Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

i was dropped as an adult

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Sharon, call the vet

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?