Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate