I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
An odd boast
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter