I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again