I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
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“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Xylophonist Shredding It
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.