Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

*jazz hands*

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too