*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.