*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.