“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.