“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
stand with me against insufficient seating
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
The dark side of Canada
Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.
HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.