“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
the way that my cat confidently throws himself into the same screen door on a daily basis trying to catch unobtainable lizards gives me hope that i can also remain upbeat and mildly delusional about what’s possible
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news