I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
🤣
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.