I beg you to euthanise me
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Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.