I beg you to euthanise me
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
can’t catch a break
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
channeling her this year
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime