I beg you to euthanise me
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If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Monday?
No. Next question.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”