I beg your pardon?
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*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Birds & Planes.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Come back with a warrant