I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
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“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me trying to walk in a dream
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.