Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs