Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat