Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.

His name was Tom.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.