I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired