Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”

Me – “No sir, they are my children.”

Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”

Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”

Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia