I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
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1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
August 8
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.