Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified

Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”