I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
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My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Would you wear it?
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.