I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
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Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.