I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
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My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.