Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Shower sex be like:

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Day 2 of my diet

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.