Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

We need more people like this.

why isn’t he texting back

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?

Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan