Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it