Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

It has been 3 years since Monday.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

😂🖐️

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

[loses house key, starts a new life]

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

Saturday