“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
You Might Also Like
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.