“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
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BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I know this now 😂
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Is Dutch some sort of clown language
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool