Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.
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In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
TRIX RABBIT [finally eating a bowl of Trix cereal]: Ehh
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
My dog: if that helps
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.