I believe if you regularly ask single women when they plan to get married, it’s only fair to ask married couples when they plan to get divorced.

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Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”


In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP


[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue


Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.


[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?


[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps


Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.


Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.