Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My patience has stretch marks.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I love you to the refrigerator and back