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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I believe the plural is “milves.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.