Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

Science memes

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …