I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
You Might Also Like
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Me redecorating every room in my mind
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My dog learned how to text
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.