I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Truly one of the great bangers
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
United Steaks of America
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
what the
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage