I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
ugh not again
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.