I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
You are not alone 💚
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
quarantine day 3
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
he’s doing your taxes
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life