I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
the saddest jazz hands ever
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
not seeing the problem
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
just got my engagement photos
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll