I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.