I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
How tf did it end up there?
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
2 years later
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far