If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
You Might Also Like
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.