I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Smells like a challenge to me
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
It’s cool, I don’t know why I’m still talking either.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Meeeee too!
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Bootstraps
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.