I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Good morning y’all ☀️
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget