Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat