Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.