I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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Mistakes were made
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
That took me a moment.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life