I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Happy birthday to all the women
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others