I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
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Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
#StillHurts
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.