I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
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really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Got him!
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.