I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
i want it utterly assaulted.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas