Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

“time flies” then why the hell is it still January bro

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.