Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

I just had a near death experience

Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT

What a website

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

BaD BoY!!

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back

dad: oh god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees