Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.

She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.

Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.

My grandma is fierce.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.