I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.