I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.

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If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.


I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”


Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.


Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*


My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’


I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.


Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.


Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones


Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life


Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.