@Muath_tu

I believe in “you’re stupid” at first sight.

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@DudeImShawn

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

@AllieGoertz

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

@junejuly12

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

@FactsOfSchool

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

@Breadery

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

@sixfootcandy

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

@heatherlou_

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

@Cheles_G

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

@OrangeFact

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

@patrickhogan91

Can’t get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.