I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.