I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Welcome to the stomach
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.