I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
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Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.