I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
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[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Camel dough
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
When your man makes a valid point
“no gods no masters” = leo
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.