I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My blood type is b hungry.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.