I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*