Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.

sin harder.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate