I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.