I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*