I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
You Might Also Like
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
*orders delivery*
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Love this one 😂🧟
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her