I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
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I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Perfection.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.