I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.