I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
You Might Also Like
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
seriously you guys
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Sorry I speak my mind.
It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?