I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
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A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
you have three unread messages
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks