I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
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My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Time heals everything 🙂
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
fixed it
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Try and stop me.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.