Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

As per my last nervous breakdown

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.