I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
You Might Also Like
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Always a housemaid, never a house.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings